


Kpop Hell

by turgid_writing (FandomFlail)



Category: Dong Bang Shin Ki, JYJ - Fandom
Genre: Comedy, I'm not kidding, It's really comedy..., M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-27
Updated: 2012-12-27
Packaged: 2017-11-22 14:57:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/611070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FandomFlail/pseuds/turgid_writing
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jaejoong dies and realizes kpop is forever.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Kpop Hell

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own TVXQ...if I owned TVXQ…well…that information is kind of…private huh?

Jaejoong hadn’t believed the rumors when he was younger, the rumors that all kpop groups made deals with the devil when they signed with their companies.

Jaejoong died at the ripe old age of 87. He died very peacefully in his sleep, and woke moments later age 19 in an airport arrival terminal surrounded by fangirls. Jaejoong thought back to that old old rumor, and dismissed it.  
 _  
Don’t frown JJ we love you!_

He hadn't believed, but then…

Then he found the others, or the others found him, H.O.T., Shinhwa, and Fly to the Sky sunbae, along with Rain (Jihoon, call me Jihoon), Jaebom, Hyori, Heechul, Hankyung, and Mimi. Each individual had their own set of fangirls, or fanboys for the ladies.

_Kyaaaaaa~_

They told Jaejoong, over the screams of their collective fanbase, that this was kpop hell. This is where all kpop idols that broke contract or tried to get out of their contract ended up.

Jaejoong cried.

_Don't cry oppa! We love you! We'll be with you FOREVER!_

A shower of embroidered fangirl handkerchiefs attacked him from all directions.

Hankyung (please call me Hangeng), showed Jaejoong around kpop hell. Mimi, being the newest addition, should have been doing the showing, but her battalion of fanboys had viciously protested.

Jaejoong learned that each of them had their own apartment, and that the size of the building depended on their popularity in life. The larger the building the larger the number of fangirls (or fanboys) each idol got.

_We get to live with oppa? Shhh! Listen!_

As they walked, Jaejoong noticed that his herd (what ELSE was he supposed to call them) of fangirls was at least twice the size of Hank-Hangeng's. He wondered if it was normal to feel proud of something like this.

_I think we're prettier than Hankyung oppa's fans..._

Hangeng gave him plenty of time to absorb one fact before launching into another.

“We're the age we were when we either broke contract, or negotiated exit from our contracts.”

Jaejoong silently wondered why he was 19, but quickly put it out of his mind as Hangeng continued.

“You'll be followed by your wonderful fans-”

_We love you too Hangeng oppa~_

“-all day. The only time you get to yourself is in your apartment building. All your fangirls will be housed in the same building, which is why the size varies. Before you ask, you can't spend all your time inside your apartment, trust me, it won't be pretty when the fangirls get cabin fever.”

Jaejoong tried hard to pay attention to Hangeng, but by now his eyes were becoming glassy and he wasn't assimilating anything much beyond the fact that he was stuck here, forever. Forever surrounded by a bunch of loud obnoxious fangirls and he couldn't escape. Was this kpop idol hell but fangirl heaven? Jaejoong shuddered.

_Is oppa cold? Have my jacket! No, have MY jacket!_

Even hours after Hangeng had left and he'd gotten settled into an already well furnished apartment, he'd denied his fate; he'd escape...somehow.

Eventually though, Jaejoong came to accept his fate, but it wasn't easy.

First came the denial; Jaejoong decided he was dreaming, and he spent all his time holed up in his apartment. This worked until the fangirls decided to take turns knocking on his turn for 24 hours straight, and eventually took to collectively charging at his door.

Then came anger; “Fuck you Satan, what they fuck did I ever do to you! I'm fucking atheist you son of a bitch!”. Anger lasted the longest. During this period Jaejoong tried all kinds of different ways to dispose of his fangirl horde. Nothing worked; as a matter of fact, all he got for his flame-thrower idea was a mass of squealing flaming fangirls (the smell was horrible).

Then came bargaining; “Come on Satan, I'm sure we can work something out. You know, I've never really HATED you. I'm sure we could work something out, right? Right?!?”

Then came the depression; Jaejoong took this the hardest. He tried to kill himself; 'You're already dead', Jihoon said each day, for what was later termed 'Jaejoong's suicide week'. Nothing worked. Nothing. The fangirls would cry every time Jaejoong tried something new. They weren't as pretty with the smeared mascara. Jaejoong hated Jihoon just a little after that, just for being right.

Last came acceptance; Jaejoong learned to live (ha ha) with his existence. He learned to embrace it. As it turned out the fangirls weren't too bad; they honestly wanted him to be 'happy'.

On the days Jaejoong wasn't busy doing every fun thing he could think of and reading to his heart content, apparently everything was free in hell, he met up with some of the others. The meet ups weren't very frequent, because although their fans were usually very well controlled, when two or more idols got together...it was chaos.

_Oh my god! Heechul oppa touched Jaejoong oppa's hand again! OMG new OTP right here!_

After what felt like an eternity, but was actually just a month, Jaejoong opened an envelope taped to the inner door of his apartment and learned they were getting a new arrival. The newcomer was to arrive at 2:00 pm, the irony made Jaejoong laugh, and the fangirls in the whole apartment building giggled with him.

By the time he arrived at the airport most of the others were already there. The fangirls were so numerous that they occupied every inch of the airport lobby. Jaejoong hoped no fan-fights broke out, some of Hyori's fans looked kind of...buff.

Before long at the arrival gate, a the blurry shape and the distant sound of fangirls could be distinguished. Jaejoong heard Hyori cheer, “Another boy!”.

_*whispers* Is that? It looks like... No, it can't be..._

Jaejoong squinted; that tall physique looked familiar. The more the image solidified, the more excited and confused Jaejoong became. It was...Changmin, a 19 year old (delicious, youthful, hot, LEGS) Changmin, but...when had Changmin broken contract?

As soon as his figure finished materializing, the idols moved in; they knew it was better to get to the new recruit before the fans overwhelmed them.

Jaejoong watched Changmin smile when he spotted him, “Hyung!”

_OMG oppa just smiled at Changmin! Jaemin 4 Life! I love you oppa~_

The smile faded over time as he learned of his fate, “but I'm Buddhist!”.

The others gave Jaejoong a look; it was his turn to explain. He nodded and started leading Changmin away. He took him to a cafe, so they could sit down for the crash course in being dead and condemned.

Everything was going great, or as great as it could in these circumstances, until the section about contract breaking. That's when the glare appeared.  
 _  
Oppa looks so sexy when he glares like that. Omg One Touch, do it!_

“Minnie-ah, what's wrong? Why are you angry?” Jaejoong asked.

_Jaemin! Omg did you see that? Oppa are you gay? Take it off!_

Changmin's glare got pretty fiery, “This is all YOUR fault.”

Jaejoong blinked and forcefully bit back his automatic denial.

“Why do you think I'm 19 hyung? Why do you think I look like I did when I turned 19 years old? What did you do when I turned 19 that would breech our contracts? Our very strict contracts?”

Jaejoong blinked quickly a few times, and then gasped, “Oh no...”

“Oh Yes! Hyung, no sexual contact with your bandmates. Did you so quickly forget my very happy birthday blowjob?”

_Did? Changmin? Just? Blowjob? Oppa? OMG! OMFG! KYAAAA!!! Noooo!!! Yess!!!!_

The guilt was suddenly a great overwhelming thing for Jaejoong. “I'll, um, I'll make it up to you!”

Changmin's raised eyebrow in response didn't make Jaejoong feel very confident about his offer.

That's when the fangirls decided to help.  
 _  
I know how you can make it up to him *leer*. Oh yeah~ Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kis..._

Changmin looked around at the eager fans, whose tables had somehow gravitated a lot closer to them.

“Are they always this enthusiastic?”

Jaejoong stared out at the girls, a somewhat fond expression on his face.

“Just around you really. They hate it when I hang out with the rest...they tolerate Hangeng.”

_Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!_

They did.

Between deep soul scorching kisses, Jaejoong gasped out, “Now...we just wait for the rest.”

Changmin pulled back at that.

_Boo! Keep going! Hit a home run! Stick your hand in his pants! Stick your hands inside MY pants!_

“Why do you say that?”

Jaejoong smirked.  
  
*insert fangirl squeals*

“Did you think I was born that good at blowjobs?”

**Author's Note:**

> Wrote this a few years ago. Not up to date...obviously. I hope you enjoyed it for entertainment's sake. ^^


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